Tonight I thought, "I just want to make dinner and eat to my heart's content!" And then I wondered...is that really possible?! Can I eat and make my poor little heart content? Does the food I eat really make the pain and sorrow that I've been carrying around with me go away? Would it be possible to eat enough chocolate to make it so that I don't burst into tears at the slightest suggestion? Or is that essentially the source of what caused me to weigh almost 350 pounds at one point in time? I fear the idea that food can heal my heart's pains has been the source of my weight problem all along.
I first started feeding my heart, knowingly, when my parents separated when I was 13 years old. My mom checked out, my dad was gone and I felt this enormous responsibility to make sure that the rest of us didn't fall apart. And I ate. I ate and ate and ate and ate. And then I would cook and eat some more. I became a really amazing cook over the years of feeding my heart. I can bake anything that I've ever tried, I make a ridiculously succulent roast chicken just swimming in butter, and I am a pie master! I have developed all of these skills over the years and I have all of these sensory memories that are filled with joy, all connected to and intertwined with delicious food.
The past year of my life has been exceptionally difficult. Without the amazing church community that I have I would have been homeless a long time ago. This is not an exaggeration or a plea for sympathy. It is simply a fact. I have been trying to make improvements on my financial situation at the same time that I have tackled my weight issues. Did you know that it is VERY expensive to loss weight? You have to pay for whatever program you are doing, eventually join a gym, have money to replace all of your fat clothes with smaller sizes that will yet again be replaced in 6-8 weeks, you need extra money to buy new workout shoes when you walk/run through the soles of your first pair and you need money for the food. To loss weight you have to have the right foods in your house. You can't have a house full of refried beans and Ramen noodles and expect to loss weight. It won't work! You have to plan your meals and your shopping list and make sure you have all of the supplies to meet your snack needs so that you don't completely crack out on corn chips and peanut M&Ms! This all costs money! Charity food is not helpful when you are trying to loss weight. Charity food is full of fat and sugar and dried beans are so point heavy that they are not a practical food because you never feel like you're full. This is what I've been dealing with lately.
I have been eating in a terrible manner. I have been gorging myself because my heart is heavy with sorrow and I am just too exhausted from 2 years of constantly working on paying attention to what I'm eating and dealing with myself (this has included a break-up and some of the dearest people I have ever had the honor of knowing moving far far away...this summer sucked!!!) I just want some relief and something, I don't know what, has finally made me crack and I am struggling so much to even make the slightest good choice about food. I've also run out of money so much so that I can't pay for my monthly pass for Weight Watchers so I can't even keep track of the 10,000 points I'm eating every day. This also means that I can't figure out the points for any new recipes that I make or use the eTools resources to help buoy me up when I am feeling like I'm drowning in a sea of sadness. I have been eating far too much and I can't seem to get myself in check.
There is a light at the end of this tunnel of doom that I have been living in! I have just been hired for a full-time job that starts on October 1!!!! I won't see any money right away, of course, but by November 1 I should be back in action! Until then I am sitting in my living room watching Julie & Julia over and over and over again...occasionally getting up to either make food or workout. At least I'm still exercising!
While I wait for some money to show up in my mailbox...I will be here...on my red corduroy couch...figuring out how to make my heart content...and trying to avoid making another batch of Muddy Buddies!!!
I use myfitnesspal.com, which is free. It seems to be helpful when I actually use it. Though, I've been eating to my heart's content lately too. (Thanks prednisone).
ReplyDeleteI generally try to cook pretty healthy, if you want to come for dinner sometime.
Or I could pick up some extra food when I shop (for reals, it's not an empty offer). Seriously, let me know, lady.
Keep your chin up, you're doing great. Just keep swimming.
I LOVE YOU! You're amazing, and I commend you eternally for writing this. I wish I could be there to give you a squeeze. Please know that you can call me any strange hour you wish (cause it'll probably be a normal hour here!) and I'll help talk you off the M&M ledge :)
ReplyDeleteYou've worked so hard and you are SOOOO worth it. You tell that little stinker that hides out in our brains sometimes to knock it off and to get OUT of TOWN!!
ReplyDeleteI'm super excited for you and your new job too, congrats!
Don't give up. It is really hard to keep cooking and eating healthy, but it is worth it! You are such an inspiration to me and many others as you have shared your story of all the hard work you have gone through. We are all rooting for you!
ReplyDeleteErin, you're an amazing wonderful soul -- and so brave. First to take on such a difficult task (in fact, more than one!)as you are reshaping your life, and second, to share all you're going through. Gutsy AND generous. Thank you for helping those of us who struggle with some of the same issues. You have lots of support, and lots of love too.
ReplyDeleteHere are some hugs (non-fattening kinds!)
Oh Erin! I wish I could come over every day and invite you over every evening! I eat when I'm sad too! And then I'm sad because I ate junk (why do we always want junk when we are sad?) The only thing that gets me out of my slumps is service. Does anyone else need Muddy Buddies? Does anyone else need your sweet, funny, energetic personality to lift them up? You always make me feel better just by talking!! Don't give up!!
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