To My Heart's Content?

Tonight I thought, "I just want to make dinner and eat to my heart's content!" And then I wondered...is that really possible?! Can I eat and make my poor little heart content? Does the food I eat really make the pain and sorrow that I've been carrying around with me go away? Would it be possible to eat enough chocolate to make it so that I don't burst into tears at the slightest suggestion? Or is that essentially the source of what caused me to weigh almost 350 pounds at one point in time? I fear the idea that food can heal my heart's pains has been the source of my weight problem all along.

I first started feeding my heart, knowingly, when my parents separated when I was 13 years old. My mom checked out, my dad was gone and I felt this enormous responsibility to make sure that the rest of us didn't fall apart. And I ate. I ate and ate and ate and ate. And then I would cook and eat some more. I became a really amazing cook over the years of feeding my heart. I can bake anything that I've ever tried, I make a ridiculously succulent roast chicken just swimming in butter, and I am a pie master! I have developed all of these skills over the years and I have all of these sensory memories that are filled with joy, all connected to and intertwined with delicious food.

The past year of my life has been exceptionally difficult. Without the amazing church community that I have I would have been homeless a long time ago. This is not an exaggeration or a plea for sympathy. It is simply a fact. I have been trying to make improvements on my financial situation at the same time that I have tackled my weight issues. Did you know that it is VERY expensive to loss weight? You have to pay for whatever program you are doing, eventually join a gym, have money to replace all of your fat clothes with smaller sizes that will yet again be replaced in 6-8 weeks, you need extra money to buy new workout shoes when you walk/run through the soles of your first pair and you need money for the food. To loss weight you have to have the right foods in your house. You can't have a house full of refried beans and Ramen noodles and expect to loss weight. It won't work! You have to plan your meals and your shopping list and make sure you have all of the supplies to meet your snack needs so that you don't completely crack out on corn chips and peanut M&Ms! This all costs money! Charity food is not helpful when you are trying to loss weight. Charity food is full of fat and sugar and dried beans are so point heavy that they are not a practical food because you never feel like you're full. This is what I've been dealing with lately.

I have been eating in a terrible manner. I have been gorging myself because my heart is heavy with sorrow and I am just too exhausted from 2 years of constantly working on paying attention to what I'm eating and dealing with myself (this has included a break-up and some of the dearest people I have ever had the honor of knowing moving far far away...this summer sucked!!!) I just want some relief and something, I don't know what, has finally made me crack and I am struggling so much to even make the slightest good choice about food. I've also run out of money so much so that I can't pay for my monthly pass for Weight Watchers so I can't even keep track of the 10,000 points I'm eating every day. This also means that I can't figure out the points for any new recipes that I make or use the eTools resources to help buoy me up when I am feeling like I'm drowning in a sea of sadness. I have been eating far too much and I can't seem to get myself in check.

There is a light at the end of this tunnel of doom that I have been living in! I have just been hired for a full-time job that starts on October 1!!!! I won't see any money right away, of course, but by November 1 I should be back in action! Until then I am sitting in my living room watching Julie & Julia over and over and over again...occasionally getting up to either make food or workout. At least I'm still exercising!

While I wait for some money to show up in my mailbox...I will be here...on my red corduroy couch...figuring out how to make my heart content...and trying to avoid making another batch of Muddy Buddies!!!

From Bon Appetit to Backpacker

I've been a bit MIA as of late but today I had a hilarious realization and I wanted to take a moment and share with all of you where I'm at (at the moment) in my journey.

My current magazine pile

A few weeks ago I hit my 100 pound mark at Weight Watchers. I even overshot the 100 pounds to 102 pounds to make my personal total 120 pounds since October 2010! It was a thrilling moment that was unfortunately fleeting. My internal shenanigans started up almost as soon as I stood on the scale and saw the number. I was completely excited and then instantly terrified and convinced that there was no way that I could lose any more weight. My brain went bananas and unfortunately I followed it's completely insane train of thought. After a week of emotional eating I had gained almost 8 pounds. Yup...I'm an overachiever even when it comes to gaining weight!!!! BUT...I was able to catch myself and remember why I'm doing this whole thing and what I need to do to be successful!

This past week I have lost about half of what I gained. (Why does it take so much longer to lose than to gain?! This is one of the mysteries of the world!) I am feeling a bit more sane and am keeping my thoughts in check. I am also going to work on being less extreme with myself. I have no problem going all Extreme Weight Loss Chic and losing 5 pounds in a week but then as soon as that week is over I am exhausted and stressed from all of the effort and feel like I've been deprived. I am working on finding a middle ground so that I will loss weight but still feel like I am not killing myself in the process. I am pretty sure that this will also help my extreme food mood swings stay in check!

And now for the hilarious realization...I have a SERIOUS magazine problem! I LOVE them!!!! I just got the latest issue of Backpacker in the mail today and I tore it open as fast as I could to read all of the amazing tales of outdoor adventure and survival. There was also the sweet bonus of Bear Grylls being the featured  guest editor this month with his own photo spread so that didn't hurt ;) As I was wrapping up the last article in the October issue of Backpacker I realized that I haven't even cracked open my September issue of Bon Appetit. I used to live for my Bon Appetit and Saveur magazines! I would bust them open as fast as I could and then read them over and over again! I could even quote stories and exact issues...I was that into it! But here I am, home with a cold, pouring over my Backpacker magazine and completely ignoring the Bon Appetit. Clearly, my life focus has changed!