To My Heart's Content?

Tonight I thought, "I just want to make dinner and eat to my heart's content!" And then I wondered...is that really possible?! Can I eat and make my poor little heart content? Does the food I eat really make the pain and sorrow that I've been carrying around with me go away? Would it be possible to eat enough chocolate to make it so that I don't burst into tears at the slightest suggestion? Or is that essentially the source of what caused me to weigh almost 350 pounds at one point in time? I fear the idea that food can heal my heart's pains has been the source of my weight problem all along.

I first started feeding my heart, knowingly, when my parents separated when I was 13 years old. My mom checked out, my dad was gone and I felt this enormous responsibility to make sure that the rest of us didn't fall apart. And I ate. I ate and ate and ate and ate. And then I would cook and eat some more. I became a really amazing cook over the years of feeding my heart. I can bake anything that I've ever tried, I make a ridiculously succulent roast chicken just swimming in butter, and I am a pie master! I have developed all of these skills over the years and I have all of these sensory memories that are filled with joy, all connected to and intertwined with delicious food.

The past year of my life has been exceptionally difficult. Without the amazing church community that I have I would have been homeless a long time ago. This is not an exaggeration or a plea for sympathy. It is simply a fact. I have been trying to make improvements on my financial situation at the same time that I have tackled my weight issues. Did you know that it is VERY expensive to loss weight? You have to pay for whatever program you are doing, eventually join a gym, have money to replace all of your fat clothes with smaller sizes that will yet again be replaced in 6-8 weeks, you need extra money to buy new workout shoes when you walk/run through the soles of your first pair and you need money for the food. To loss weight you have to have the right foods in your house. You can't have a house full of refried beans and Ramen noodles and expect to loss weight. It won't work! You have to plan your meals and your shopping list and make sure you have all of the supplies to meet your snack needs so that you don't completely crack out on corn chips and peanut M&Ms! This all costs money! Charity food is not helpful when you are trying to loss weight. Charity food is full of fat and sugar and dried beans are so point heavy that they are not a practical food because you never feel like you're full. This is what I've been dealing with lately.

I have been eating in a terrible manner. I have been gorging myself because my heart is heavy with sorrow and I am just too exhausted from 2 years of constantly working on paying attention to what I'm eating and dealing with myself (this has included a break-up and some of the dearest people I have ever had the honor of knowing moving far far away...this summer sucked!!!) I just want some relief and something, I don't know what, has finally made me crack and I am struggling so much to even make the slightest good choice about food. I've also run out of money so much so that I can't pay for my monthly pass for Weight Watchers so I can't even keep track of the 10,000 points I'm eating every day. This also means that I can't figure out the points for any new recipes that I make or use the eTools resources to help buoy me up when I am feeling like I'm drowning in a sea of sadness. I have been eating far too much and I can't seem to get myself in check.

There is a light at the end of this tunnel of doom that I have been living in! I have just been hired for a full-time job that starts on October 1!!!! I won't see any money right away, of course, but by November 1 I should be back in action! Until then I am sitting in my living room watching Julie & Julia over and over and over again...occasionally getting up to either make food or workout. At least I'm still exercising!

While I wait for some money to show up in my mailbox...I will be here...on my red corduroy couch...figuring out how to make my heart content...and trying to avoid making another batch of Muddy Buddies!!!

From Bon Appetit to Backpacker

I've been a bit MIA as of late but today I had a hilarious realization and I wanted to take a moment and share with all of you where I'm at (at the moment) in my journey.

My current magazine pile

A few weeks ago I hit my 100 pound mark at Weight Watchers. I even overshot the 100 pounds to 102 pounds to make my personal total 120 pounds since October 2010! It was a thrilling moment that was unfortunately fleeting. My internal shenanigans started up almost as soon as I stood on the scale and saw the number. I was completely excited and then instantly terrified and convinced that there was no way that I could lose any more weight. My brain went bananas and unfortunately I followed it's completely insane train of thought. After a week of emotional eating I had gained almost 8 pounds. Yup...I'm an overachiever even when it comes to gaining weight!!!! BUT...I was able to catch myself and remember why I'm doing this whole thing and what I need to do to be successful!

This past week I have lost about half of what I gained. (Why does it take so much longer to lose than to gain?! This is one of the mysteries of the world!) I am feeling a bit more sane and am keeping my thoughts in check. I am also going to work on being less extreme with myself. I have no problem going all Extreme Weight Loss Chic and losing 5 pounds in a week but then as soon as that week is over I am exhausted and stressed from all of the effort and feel like I've been deprived. I am working on finding a middle ground so that I will loss weight but still feel like I am not killing myself in the process. I am pretty sure that this will also help my extreme food mood swings stay in check!

And now for the hilarious realization...I have a SERIOUS magazine problem! I LOVE them!!!! I just got the latest issue of Backpacker in the mail today and I tore it open as fast as I could to read all of the amazing tales of outdoor adventure and survival. There was also the sweet bonus of Bear Grylls being the featured  guest editor this month with his own photo spread so that didn't hurt ;) As I was wrapping up the last article in the October issue of Backpacker I realized that I haven't even cracked open my September issue of Bon Appetit. I used to live for my Bon Appetit and Saveur magazines! I would bust them open as fast as I could and then read them over and over again! I could even quote stories and exact issues...I was that into it! But here I am, home with a cold, pouring over my Backpacker magazine and completely ignoring the Bon Appetit. Clearly, my life focus has changed!

A Life Changing 19.4 Miles

About 20 years ago I discovered a book called East Bay Trails and fell in love with the idea of doing a 3 day backpacking trip in the Sunol, Ohlone & Del Valle Wilderness areas. At the time I was heavy but I hadn't hit my ceiling weight yet. I went about doing the preliminaries of getting ready to go backpacking...buying a pack (the belt wouldn't close when I bought it because I was too heavy), a cool mess kit, and some other random supplies. This stuff has been moved from garage storage to paid storage to another garage and then into a shed in my backyard. The pack was in storage for so long that the spiders had laid eggs and tried to claim it as their own. About a month ago I thought that I should try out my pack and see if I needed to buy a new one or if my "old" one (which had never been used) would work. I had this huge internal panic going on...thinking that there was no way that the belt was going to fit me. With the belt pulled tight in its storage setting, I put the pack on and snapped the belt closed!!!!! I almost fell over! It fit...AND...it was pulled tight! WAHOO!!!!

With my pack fitting me, I was determined to make my 3 day backpacking trip happen. I got new boots, started getting other supplies (a set of alpine light cooking utensils, sleeping bag, sleeping mat, more socks, a fancy reflective hat, sterilizing pen, and platypus water bags) and made a food list! Invites were sent out and plans were set in place! Last Friday morning we loaded up the cars and drove out to the trail. We dropped a car off in Livermore, where the trail ends, and then drove on back over to Sunol to the start of our adventure!

Here's a little snapshot of what our trip looked like:

Day 1: 3.4 miles, 1500 ft. elevation gain
Day 2: 10.6 miles, 5,000 ft. elevation gain
Day 3: 5.4 miles, 500 ft elevation gain & 3,000 ft elevation loss

The days were long, the trail was a challenge and, I'm not gonna lie, there were times along the way that I wanted to lay down on the trail and cry. The elevation gain was GRUELING on day 2! GRUELING! My toes felt like they had been treated with a baseball bat by the end of the elevation loss (I even got a blister under a toenail...under!) BUT even though it was painful at times...and a bit scary when Joanna had to take a tick off of my neck...this weekend has changed my life! I can not believe how strong my body is! I can not believe how much endurance I have and that I took on a nearly 20 mile challenge with a giant pack on my back (When I got home, minus food & water, my pack weighed 30 pounds! HOLY MOLY! Our packs must have weighed close to 40 pounds when we first headed out!)! I have wanted this for SO long!!!!!! The tears I have now are tears of joy and pride!

An extra bonus from the weekend is that I am now newly in love with California! I've never spent so much time in the oak grasslands of my state and I am SO in love! It is gorgeous land, full of a huge variety of wildlife and plant life!!! It is just beautiful!!!

Things we saw on our adventure:

Animals-

• Red-tailed hawks
• Killdeer
• Northern alligator lizards
• Turkey vultures
• California condor
• Western scrub-jay
• Anna's hummingbird
• California ground squirrel
• Western gray squirrel
• Banana slugs
• Sara orangetip butterflies
• Jerusalem crickets
• California prionus
• Nuttall's woodpecker
• Acorn woodpecker
• Black-tailed deer
• Black legged ticks
• Cows
• Dragonflies

Plants-

• Coyote mint
• California poppies
• Anise swallowtail
• Blue-eyed grass
• California ringlet
• Chamise
• Buckbrush
• Sticky monkeyflower
• California sagebrush
• Coyote brush
• Black oak
• Blue oak
• California bay laurel
• Indian warrior
• Narrow-leaf mule ears
• Yarrow
• Gray pines
• Water lilies
• Blue elderberry
• Various lichen
• Bigleaf maple
• Western sycamore
• California buckeye
• Foxtail grass
• Poison oak

*More pictures can be found on my Facebook page!!!!!

Making Some New Goal Rewards!

It's been a while since I originally set-up my benchmark goals and I realized that I have lost site of my short term goals and am getting overwhelmed with the long term goals! So I am revising some of my goal rewards and am reposting them here so that I see them!!!

• 90 lb.  Reward: Camping with Heidi & Hannah! MET and celebrated!!!!
• 30% = 96.5 lb.  Reward: Hike in Muir Woods with Clarissa & Jordan MET and celebrated!!!
• 100 lb.  Reward: Climb Half Dome/Camp at Yosemite & Dinner Out MET and celebrated!
• 110 lb.  Reward: A day at Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk
• 35% = 112.6 lb.  Reward: Trip to Alcatraz
• 120 lb.  Reward: I Lost Hannah C Party
• 40% = 128.7 lb.  Reward: Visit the parrots on Telegraph Hill
• 130 lb.  Reward: Theatre Tickets
• 140 lb.  Reward: Bicycling trip in the wine country
• GOAL =141.8 lb.  Reward: A Brand New Wardrobe...including a trip to Anthropologie and Urban Outfitters!!!!!!!!

I'm a Hiker!

Yesterday I took a group of fabulous kids hiking in the Santa Cruz mountains...in the rain! We had an unbelievably fabulous time! One of the best parts of the whole day was that I hiked 5 miles without skipping a beat! If you recall...the first time I tried to exercise I couldn't even make it around my cul de sac without having to sit on the curb like a sad hobo. And now I am hiking in the rain and mud without even thinking about it! It's simply amazing!!!!

A dream of mine has been to be able to do some serious wilderness hiking...but I have felt, as an adult, that it would never happen. After hiking yesterday I knew that it was a possibility, even an inevitability that I will do some serious, hard core, wilderness backpacking in the near future! Half Dome, the Grand Canyon, the North Fork of the American River, and Lassen Volcanic National Park are all on my list!!!! I can't wait to hit the trail!!!!!!!

Hello Waist! Long time no see!

Wait...where's my waist? If you find it...you win a prize!

Hey look! It's my waist!

This morning I put on a new outfit and nearly passed out from the AWESOMENESS that is my waist! When this whole thing began, back in October of 2010, my waist measured in at 52 inches (that's 4.3 feet). After 100 pounds and many many hours of working out it now measures a mere 41 inches!!! For those of you who hate math...that means I've lost 11 inches off of my waist! ELEVEN!!!!!! I am SO very happy with how I look and with the numbers that prove that I have literally been working my can off! (Cue happy dance!)

As you know I've been struggling with feeling gross because of the extra skin situation but I've decided to wear it like a badge of honor. I will gladly deal with the extra skin if I can have a waist like the one I have! I will smear on stretch mark lotion every day and know that I have slain my demons! Those stretch marks will be my battle scars and I will be proud that they can be seen and aren't stretched out over pounds and pounds of fear masquerading as fat. I have spent enough of my life hating myself. I am done with that! I will love every inch of myself...even the stretched out parts!

Now on to the last 9.5 inches off my waist and then...watch out Anthropolgie!!!!!

100 lbs. GONE!!!!

After 16 months of hard work, new habits, and delving into the emotions that have been controlling my caloric intake, I am THRILLED to report that I have reached the 100lb. goal! The above picture shows you exactly what I have lost! 100 pounds of fat brought to you by years of feeling like I would always be "the moon faced child" but never the pretty girl and by deciding at a pretty early age that food was the only reliable source of relief in my life from the stress and unhappiness I felt.

To be honest, it feels surreal. I still look in the mirror and see all of the imperfections. I have to really really work to recognize all of the changes that have occurred over the past year+ and honestly I need to put them down in writing somewhere...so here goes:

1. Went from not being able to walk all the way around my cul de sac to doing interval training and walking 4 miles 4-5 times a week! The interval training is building up my running skills to run a 5K in May!
2. Reduced my caloric intake from well over 2800 a day to about 2000 a day
3. Shared openly about being overweight with LOADS of people...I never used to talk about it...EVER!
4. Went from wearing a tight size 28 to wearing a comfortable size 18...and I'm talking regular store size 18...not Lane Bryant!!!!
5. I've lost ten inches all the way around (bust, waist, hips...each 10 inches smaller)
6. I have never been able to wear a seat belt in the back seat of cars...NOW I can sit in anyone's backseat safely!
7. Restaurant booths are now my friend! Before...I couldn't even fit in one
8. I've lost an entire shoe size
9. I eat a boatload of fruit everyday! I used to just eat vegetables but fruit has become my new dessert
10. I've learned how to plan for special occasions so that I can celebrate, enjoy the food and feel totally satisfied!
11. I have eliminated several allergens from my diet: wheat, potatoes & peppers
12. I can now seriously see myself hiking up to the top of Half Dome!!!! I have tackled fears and been braver than I ever knew I could be!

I am eternally thankful to my friends who have helped me get to where I am today and who, I am sure, will see me through the last 60 pounds!!!! For those of you reading this who are also contemplating going on your own weight lose journey my advice is...create a circle of key friends that you can lean on, who know you and love you even when you are totally irrational! They are the ones who will talk you out of going crazy and eating the whole chocolate cake and they'll make sure you get your workouts in, even when it's inconvenient for them!

In closing I have to say...

WAHOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I did it!!! I did it!!! I did it!!! I did it!!! I did it!!! I did it!!! I did it!!! I did it!!! I did it!!! I did it!!!

Conquering The Wall

We all have walls to conquer. Whether it is painful shyness, a learning disability, or an enormous amount of weight to lose we all have them. Walls are pretty prevalent in life. We live inside of them, use them to block out noise, to keep us safe and to hide behind. Lately, I have been facing some of the toughest walls I have ever faced!

Losing weight isn't all happy dances on the scale at weigh-in folks. There are a lot of ups and downs. Most of the downs are too painful to talk about and I have been keeping them pretty private. The month of December was one of these times. I was struggling to feel happy with my weightless results. You may think, "Is she nuts? She's lost almost 100 pounds!!! How can she not be satisfied?" Well...here's the thing. I know what I look like without clothes on. The extra skin is starting to show and it is making me feel less secure with my physical appearance than when I weighed 100 pounds more. At least then everything was packed in tight and didn't wiggle all over the place! It may be one of the cruelest things about losing a significant amount of weight. Just when I hit "regular" sizes in clothes I am also hit with extra flappy skin that jiggles and hangs in strange ways. I am still working through this, researching what exercise to do to help it go away and taking deep breaths to help remind me that time will also help with all of this. It just really sucks in the moment!!!!

The other major wall I have been climbing is my fear of falling. Now, I can't explain it with any kind of logic or rationality but I am terrified of falling. I'm not afraid of heights...I can be up super high and be just fine as long as I don't feel like I'm going to fall to my death. It's when I feel like I have to rely on my body to keep me safe from falling that things start to go awry. I panic, start to cry, scream at people for trying to help me and am paralyzed with fear. It's a horrible feeling. To add insult to injury I love hiking and I want to hike up Half-Dome as one of my benchmark activities in this whole weight loss journey...but have you seen the top of that hike? Bare rock, wind, two little cables that are supposed to be a safety net and nothing but sky and gravity. Just looking at the pictures makes me feel like throwing up. Knowing that this fear of falling was going to totally ruin an otherwise amazing experience I figured that it was time I took it on. So I signed up for rock climbing classes! I've made it through two classes and two practice sessions! And last night I had a MAJOR victory!!!!! I MADE IT TO THE TOP OF THE WALL!!!! For the first time!!!!! I took a couple breathers along the way, reminded myself that my friend had me and trusted that my body and the equipment would see me through.

I may not become a world class rock climber but I am facing my fear and literally conquering walls in order to make my life what I want! It is thrilling to get your hand in the final handhold and know that you did it. You made it! You actually faced down the demons inside of you and told them who was boss!!!