The Fear I'm Facing

I am going to be really honest in this post and ask for your most tender care in any response that you may give it. It is very hard for me to talk about how I am feeling and I haven't really shared this with anyone. I am committed to changing my life, so I am going to be brave and let you know what is going on in my head.

When I consider why I have been heavy for so long I realize that it is all related to protecting myself from the sexual advances of men. Some internal reasoning decided a long time ago that if I was fat I wouldn't have to deal with the victimization that comes along with being pretty. I am terrified of being taken advantage of sexually and every time I have tried to loose weight, the thought that I am not safe has instantly popped into my head. The weight that I have carried around with me has been my protection and I am not sure what I am going to do without it.

Now you may say, well men still pay attention to you. That's true and it makes the thought of being slender and prettier even more terrifying!!!! I mean if I get the attention that I get now when I weigh over 300 pounds...then what the hell is going to happen when I'm a size 12? How will I be able to keep myself safe? How will I handle the attention without freaking out and eating an entire chocolate cake? What do I do with this fear that crops up every time I get excited about changing my life for the better? I am scared to death of what may happen and not knowing what to do to keep myself safe.

This fear is paralyzing. It keeps me up at night and makes me sabotage my own best efforts. I am tired of being controlled by this fear though! I am now on the hunt for what I need to feel safe: self-defense classes, tough motorcycle boots, a pirate eye patch...whatever...I know that once I have the tool that will take on this fear and give me the ability to deal with whatever comes my way I will be fine. I'll let you know what I find in my search for the answer.

Thanks for being my friend and for being someone who I feel safe sharing this with.

I have a plan!

Here's my plan!!!!!

Exercise and Food Plan

Once a week do each of the following:

v 20 minute walk

v Arms or legs

v Yoga

Food Plan:

o Veg twice daily

o Fruit with breakfast

o Fruit snacks

o Brown rice, quinoa, corn & amaranth

o 8- 12 oz. glasses water, daily

o Lean meats: fish, chicken, lamb

o Rice milk

o Fresh juice at least once a week

Treats:

• Sweet treats twice a month
• Corn chips
• Salted nuts
• Dried fruit
• TJ fruit end bits
• Rice cakes

Recipe Share: Roasted Red Onion and Squash Pasta

My Martha Stewart Everyday Food came and the whole issues is dedicated to lighter cooking! Here's a recipe that I think will be delicious!

Roasted Red Onion and Squash Pasta

Serves 4, Total time: 30 min

2 medium red onions, cut into 6 wedges each, layers separated

1 medium butternut squash, peeled and cut into 3/4" pieces*

1 tbsp coarsely chopped fresh sage leaves

1 tbsp extra-virgin olive oil

salt and pepper to taste

1/2 pound short ridged pasta, such as rigatoni

1/4 cup grated fontina cheese (2 ounces)

1. Preheat oven to 450F. On a rimmed baking sheet, toss onions, squash and sage with oil. Season with salt and pepper. Arrange in a single layer and roast until tender, about 25 minutes, rotating sheet and tossing vegetables halfway through.

2. Meanwhile, in a large pot of boiling salted water, cook pasta according to package direction. Reserve 1/2 cup pasta water; drain pasta and return to pot. Add vegetables and cheese and toss to combine, adding enough pasta water to create a thin sauce that coats pasta.

Per Serving:

380 calories

9 g fat

13 g protein

64 g carb

6 g fiber

*Quick Tip: Trader Joe's has pre-peeled and chopped butternut squash...makes this little dish much faster to put together!

NYC Eateries

As I sat and watched Top Chef tonight they featured a variety of NYC's top restaurants and I was inspired!

My top pick is WD~50 (the link) which is the brain child of Wylie Dufresne, who is one of my personal cooking heroes! He makes playful, beautiful, avant garde food that will knock your socks off. Prices range from $15 for appetizers to $32 for mains. Not too bad! Reservations are made one month out.

Travertine is another winner (the link) with fresh Italian flavors focusing on seasonal ingredients. There are no prices on the menu so who knows what it costs to eat there! Reservations or walk-ins are taken.

24 Prince is my third place choice so far (the link). It's an American bistro that really works at being as green and organic as possible. The prices are in the $25 range for main dishes and ~$15 for appetizers ("snacks" as they're labeled on the menu).

I think that we should plan to go WHOLE HOG when we do our fancy night out! Appetizers, mains & desserts and I would totally be down for a tasting menu! Most of the dinner tasting menus are paired with wine so maybe not that but dessert and appetizer tastings would ROCK my socks! I'm also going to look into what it would cost to do Chef's Table seating because seriously...that would be a dream for me!!!!

Other food stops:

1. Gramercy Tavern- house made Kielbasa

2. Dinosaur Bar-B-Que...enough said :)

3. Eleven Madison Park- an ice cream dessert called "Milk and Honey", the ice cream looks like a snowball and when you cut into it the honey runs out

4. Le Bernardin- salted caramels

Foods I'm Eating!

Hey friend! Here is what I'm eating/not eating:

Eating:

brown rice

quinoa

amarinth

corn (ground)

fruit

vegetables

chicken

fish

rice milk

honey

agave syrup

olive oil

canola oil

vinegar

beans

Not eating/avoiding:

wheat

rye

barley

potatoes

sugar

beef

pork

dairy

Hope this helps you out!!!!

New York State of Mind

So now that we are officially doing this I think we should have a place to figure out the expenses so that we can be totally ready for our thin adventure!!!! We can fill in the blanks as we go along but this'll be our go to spot!

Airfare: $300-400
Lodging: $150-200
Food:
Fun money:
Broadway show: $70-140 depending on seating
Museum funds: $60
Ferries & Subways: $50

Places I would love to go to:
1. The Met- $20
2. The Frick Collection- $18
3. SOHO
4. Greenwich Village
5. The flower district
6. Central Park
7. Empire State Building- $17.61
8. Ellis Island- $11.50 for ferry, museum is free
9. Statue of Liberty- $12
10. Times Square

Where do you want to go?

Let's Get It Started!

It's time to get thin....NOT FAT! I am done being the fluffiest person in the room!!!! Let's use this rad blog to document our goals, provide support, share successes and failures, and keep our goals at the forefront of our minds!!!!

My goals:
1. Loose 50 pounds by October 2011
2. Loose 120 pounds (total) by October 2012
3. Learn how to be happy with my body, no matter what it looks like
4. Wear a size 12/14 by the time I'm done
5. Save enough money to go to New York in Nov 2011
6. Make exercising a regular habit

What are your goals? Make a new post and fill me in!!!!