When I consider why I have been heavy for so long I realize that it is all related to protecting myself from the sexual advances of men. Some internal reasoning decided a long time ago that if I was fat I wouldn't have to deal with the victimization that comes along with being pretty. I am terrified of being taken advantage of sexually and every time I have tried to loose weight, the thought that I am not safe has instantly popped into my head. The weight that I have carried around with me has been my protection and I am not sure what I am going to do without it.
Now you may say, well men still pay attention to you. That's true and it makes the thought of being slender and prettier even more terrifying!!!! I mean if I get the attention that I get now when I weigh over 300 pounds...then what the hell is going to happen when I'm a size 12? How will I be able to keep myself safe? How will I handle the attention without freaking out and eating an entire chocolate cake? What do I do with this fear that crops up every time I get excited about changing my life for the better? I am scared to death of what may happen and not knowing what to do to keep myself safe.
This fear is paralyzing. It keeps me up at night and makes me sabotage my own best efforts. I am tired of being controlled by this fear though! I am now on the hunt for what I need to feel safe: self-defense classes, tough motorcycle boots, a pirate eye patch...whatever...I know that once I have the tool that will take on this fear and give me the ability to deal with whatever comes my way I will be fine. I'll let you know what I find in my search for the answer.
Thanks for being my friend and for being someone who I feel safe sharing this with.
Hey Erin-
ReplyDeleteI would totally take a self defense class with you. I have some of the same fears, which is why I don't always wear makeup or cute clothes.
Love Anne