Sizing Things Up...

The old and the new...

When I started this journey back in October 2010 I was wearing a size 11 ring on the ring finger of my right hand. Today, as I sit here typing, I am wearing a size 8 ring on my right ring finger. It is extraordinary to me to be in the "normal" range for ring sizes! I mean, I can go into any store and find a ring that'll fit me! ANY STORE!!!! Also, my favorite ring is too big to be worn on any of my fingers...WHAT?! While basking in this new sizing sensation I dug up my grandmother's engagement ring, a ring that was always so "tiny" in my mind, and it is SO going to fit me by the time I am done with all of this. It is somewhere between a 6 and 7...so maybe I am as tiny as my gramma...inside of all of this fat I do believe that I am actually just as tiny as she was. I have always felt like the "fat one" in my family. I have never felt like I could ever hope to be anywhere even near normal...but tiny...again, I say WHAT?!

I also purchased a new winter coat yesterday...from Old Navy...THE STORE...not online in the fat girl section, but at the real store at the mall in the regular sizes...AND I HAVE 77 MORE POUNDS TO LOSE!!! It's all a bit crazy to me. My goal "was" to be a size 12/14 but now that I'm looking at 77 more pounds and I'm already a 18/20...well, I'm thinking that a 8/10 is going to be more like it. Or smaller? I still haven't wrapped my head around that...it's gonna take some time.

Fear of the slow down is making me bonkers! I am so scared of failing. I am half way...I've lost more than 80 pounds...and I have 77 more to go. I think part of my stress is coming from several people asking, "So are you only loosing a pound a week now?" When I hear this I feel like people are just waiting for me to fail. Like I'm a delicious piece of steak, dangling on the end of a fork over the hungry mouths of a pack of wolves. I don't think that that is what is meant by these comments but, unfortunately, that is how they get translated in my brain. So...the fear is here again...it's that time I suppose. I am looking at it square in the face and dealing with it, not eating it! I am scared but I know that I can get beyond this point and continue to move towards my goal. I know that I'll make it to my New Years goal...no worries! 75 pounds (WW style...93 total) here I come!!!!!!

The Fear I'm Facing

I am going to be really honest in this post and ask for your most tender care in any response that you may give it. It is very hard for me to talk about how I am feeling and I haven't really shared this with anyone. I am committed to changing my life, so I am going to be brave and let you know what is going on in my head.

When I consider why I have been heavy for so long I realize that it is all related to protecting myself from the sexual advances of men. Some internal reasoning decided a long time ago that if I was fat I wouldn't have to deal with the victimization that comes along with being pretty. I am terrified of being taken advantage of sexually and every time I have tried to loose weight, the thought that I am not safe has instantly popped into my head. The weight that I have carried around with me has been my protection and I am not sure what I am going to do without it.

Now you may say, well men still pay attention to you. That's true and it makes the thought of being slender and prettier even more terrifying!!!! I mean if I get the attention that I get now when I weigh over 300 pounds...then what the hell is going to happen when I'm a size 12? How will I be able to keep myself safe? How will I handle the attention without freaking out and eating an entire chocolate cake? What do I do with this fear that crops up every time I get excited about changing my life for the better? I am scared to death of what may happen and not knowing what to do to keep myself safe.

This fear is paralyzing. It keeps me up at night and makes me sabotage my own best efforts. I am tired of being controlled by this fear though! I am now on the hunt for what I need to feel safe: self-defense classes, tough motorcycle boots, a pirate eye patch...whatever...I know that once I have the tool that will take on this fear and give me the ability to deal with whatever comes my way I will be fine. I'll let you know what I find in my search for the answer.

Thanks for being my friend and for being someone who I feel safe sharing this with.