50 to FINISH!!!

Today is THE DAY!!!! I got on the scale this morning and it said that this is it! I have 50 pounds to lose and I will be finished!!!!! FINISHED! DONE! AT GOAL!!!! WAHOO!!!

The past year has been hard. I have gained and lost the same 20 pounds a few times. I would NOT call it a plateau. It was a roller coaster of frustration. I have had to really deal with the emotional part of this journey. I have had to end friendships, nurture others, figure out who I am and who I want to be. I am still working on rewiring the mental conversation lines that I have been listening to for a good 40 years and discovering for myself what it is I want to feel about myself.

So many people have the misconception that weight loss is only food & exercise. This is completely incorrect!!!! Please share this information with everyone! If you don't have an issue with food it is hard to understand what life is like when food has become a drug. I mean, honestly, food is my drug of choice. It is what I have used to hide feelings about myself and the world. And unlike all other drugs you can not go cold turkey. You have to face food all day every day. Imagine a heroine addict who was trying to break the habit but had to have a controlled amount of heroine everyday. They had to look at heroine in the cupboard and in the fridge. They had to choose which color heroine they wanted for lunch and which heroine they would eat for dinner. They would have to say no to the heroine their friend just mixed up in their kitchen. And no one is there to control the amount of heroine you use...you have to control it yourself. How successful do you think the heroine addict would be? This is what people have to deal with who have a food addiction problem. It is just as bad and incredibly hard. It is especially difficult because the addiction part of it is not understood by our culture, at all.

It is the addiction part of my journey that I have been dealing with over the past year. I mean, really, honestly dealing with. Anyone with a food issue can be successful for a while without looking at the addiction stuff at all. And I have an iron will, so I got away with it for longer than most. So now I have come to a place where I feel like I am being honest with myself and how I misuse food. I have created visual anchors for myself to remind myself that I have a goal and that I am turning over a new leaf in my life. I am creating a new vision of who I am...because I have realized that I am no longer "the fat girl" and in order to be successful I need to redefine who I am to myself.

So these are the themes I will be focusing on over the next, actually LAST, 50 pounds! I am excited to see the person who I become. I actually have no idea what I am going to look like as an adult at my goal weight! It's an unknown adventure ahead! Here's to the final 50, finding myself and mostly...not giving up on myself!

If you are in the midst of a weight loss journey, if you are struggling with food and feelings, if you want to give up...DON'T!!!! Keep moving forward! Keep working toward your goal! On this journey progress does not always show up on the scale. Progress shows up in all different forms. Be brave and keep moving!!!!

Why I Run (or rather why I DON'T run when I should...)

In 19 days I will be running my first ever half-marathon. I am running it on my own and I am scared! I am so scared that I haven't been doing my real training runs for almost 4 weeks now. So now I am DRASTICALLY behind and even more scared! HELP!!!!!!

I know that what would really make a difference would be to have a running buddy. I think that running by myself is only good for up to 4 miles and I am feeling exceptionally alone these days (in all aspects of my life) so this whole running by myself thing has been stinking an extra large amount. Now before you write a comment to the effect of "I would totally do it but I just couldn't keep up with you..." please DON'T!!!!! I've been flooded with shenanigan comments like that and it just makes me mad and frustrated and left feeling less supported than before. Instead you could leave a comment like "I will totally be your virtual running buddy! Let's start at such and such a time with a phone call and stay on the line until your run is over...even if we don't talk!" I really need a running buddy to keep me on track because this girl isn't making it on her own!

When I first started running I did it because walking was simply taking too much time and I wanted to burn more calories in less time. It used to be fun and amazing every time I went out and could actually run any length of time/distance! I mean when I started out I couldn't even walk around my dang cul-de-sac let alone run any distance at all! This whole training thing, running 4-5 times a week, and having the running cramp my style in being able to do other fun things has made the running become a painful chore. I don't want it to be a painful chore!!!!

With all of that in mind I want to remind myself why I have become a runner (YES! I am a RUNNER!)...

• To travel farther faster
• To have strong, gorgeous legs (you should see my calves!)
• To be fit
• To be outside in the sun and fresh air
• To know myself as an athlete
• To learn how strong I can be
• To challenge myself & to step outside of what is easy or comfortable
• To do something bold
• To feel like an equal with my athletic friends
• To prove that the voice in my head is wrong!
• To justify buying all kinds of cute workout clothes :)

So there you have it! Now the question is...will you be my running buddy?

Finding Motivation

As you may have guessed from my months of silence, things have not been going well for me in the weight-loss arena. I definitely allowed myself to get knocked out by the emotional demons who came to fight. It has been a pretty brutal couple of months. With the help of friends and a lot of prayer, I have been able to pull myself out of the deep pit I was in and am embarking on the final third of my weight loss journey.

I've been on the hunt for some way to visually tell myself what I've accomplished and to help keep me on track. Pinterest saved the day with a brilliant motivation board that can be seen here: BackOnPointe Today I changed an entire wall in my bathroom (the room that I probably spend the most time in and that had the biggest "available" wall) into a motivation board! Here's what I've done:

My supplies: a drawing of what I wanted to make, foam letters, pretty thumb tacks, ribbon, easy off picture hangers and cork tiles (not pictured: Sharpie markers, index cards, my printer, clear contact paper and the internet)

The whole wall

A collage that captures how I feel/want to feel about myself and fitness

Each cork tile holds inspirational stuff! The left side has: 1) An inspirational picture telling that voice in my head that it's a liar!, 2) the theme for the month "I BELIEVE in ME!", and 3) Rockin' January's workout calendar (each day has a workout/rest day planned and I even included my goals for the month...8 pounds lighter, run 18 miles a week, climb a 5.9 and ride 75 miles). The right side has: 1) a picture of the gorgeous Marilyn and it says "Today I will...", 2) a scripture for January...I definitely need Heavenly Father's help with this, and 3) a fantastic card of encouragement that I got from a fab friend! 

ECU :) 

Ribbons with clothes pins...each pin represents a pound

This is all I have left to lose!!! Child's play!!!!!

And now that I have this all together I have a giddy grin on my face and I feel like a happy little girl! I keep going into my bathroom to look at it! I'm such a sucker for a good visual!!!! 

As time goes on I'll be changing it up a bit so that I don't stop "seeing" it! I've also set some pretty awesome goals for myself to keep me going throughout the year. The first MAJOR one is running a half marathon on May 4!!!! I'll keep you updated so that you guys can all come out and cheer me on on race day! 

For those of you reading this who know me (and know where I live) I would really appreciate notes of encouragement sent to me via the good old fashioned post office! These notes really make a huge difference for me! They help me to know that I am not alone, which is a chronic demon that I battle, and they let me know that other people believe in me!!!!! These notes are another crucial part of Erin's Motivation Plan!!!!

To My Heart's Content?

Tonight I thought, "I just want to make dinner and eat to my heart's content!" And then I wondered...is that really possible?! Can I eat and make my poor little heart content? Does the food I eat really make the pain and sorrow that I've been carrying around with me go away? Would it be possible to eat enough chocolate to make it so that I don't burst into tears at the slightest suggestion? Or is that essentially the source of what caused me to weigh almost 350 pounds at one point in time? I fear the idea that food can heal my heart's pains has been the source of my weight problem all along.

I first started feeding my heart, knowingly, when my parents separated when I was 13 years old. My mom checked out, my dad was gone and I felt this enormous responsibility to make sure that the rest of us didn't fall apart. And I ate. I ate and ate and ate and ate. And then I would cook and eat some more. I became a really amazing cook over the years of feeding my heart. I can bake anything that I've ever tried, I make a ridiculously succulent roast chicken just swimming in butter, and I am a pie master! I have developed all of these skills over the years and I have all of these sensory memories that are filled with joy, all connected to and intertwined with delicious food.

The past year of my life has been exceptionally difficult. Without the amazing church community that I have I would have been homeless a long time ago. This is not an exaggeration or a plea for sympathy. It is simply a fact. I have been trying to make improvements on my financial situation at the same time that I have tackled my weight issues. Did you know that it is VERY expensive to loss weight? You have to pay for whatever program you are doing, eventually join a gym, have money to replace all of your fat clothes with smaller sizes that will yet again be replaced in 6-8 weeks, you need extra money to buy new workout shoes when you walk/run through the soles of your first pair and you need money for the food. To loss weight you have to have the right foods in your house. You can't have a house full of refried beans and Ramen noodles and expect to loss weight. It won't work! You have to plan your meals and your shopping list and make sure you have all of the supplies to meet your snack needs so that you don't completely crack out on corn chips and peanut M&Ms! This all costs money! Charity food is not helpful when you are trying to loss weight. Charity food is full of fat and sugar and dried beans are so point heavy that they are not a practical food because you never feel like you're full. This is what I've been dealing with lately.

I have been eating in a terrible manner. I have been gorging myself because my heart is heavy with sorrow and I am just too exhausted from 2 years of constantly working on paying attention to what I'm eating and dealing with myself (this has included a break-up and some of the dearest people I have ever had the honor of knowing moving far far away...this summer sucked!!!) I just want some relief and something, I don't know what, has finally made me crack and I am struggling so much to even make the slightest good choice about food. I've also run out of money so much so that I can't pay for my monthly pass for Weight Watchers so I can't even keep track of the 10,000 points I'm eating every day. This also means that I can't figure out the points for any new recipes that I make or use the eTools resources to help buoy me up when I am feeling like I'm drowning in a sea of sadness. I have been eating far too much and I can't seem to get myself in check.

There is a light at the end of this tunnel of doom that I have been living in! I have just been hired for a full-time job that starts on October 1!!!! I won't see any money right away, of course, but by November 1 I should be back in action! Until then I am sitting in my living room watching Julie & Julia over and over and over again...occasionally getting up to either make food or workout. At least I'm still exercising!

While I wait for some money to show up in my mailbox...I will be here...on my red corduroy couch...figuring out how to make my heart content...and trying to avoid making another batch of Muddy Buddies!!!

From Bon Appetit to Backpacker

I've been a bit MIA as of late but today I had a hilarious realization and I wanted to take a moment and share with all of you where I'm at (at the moment) in my journey.

My current magazine pile

A few weeks ago I hit my 100 pound mark at Weight Watchers. I even overshot the 100 pounds to 102 pounds to make my personal total 120 pounds since October 2010! It was a thrilling moment that was unfortunately fleeting. My internal shenanigans started up almost as soon as I stood on the scale and saw the number. I was completely excited and then instantly terrified and convinced that there was no way that I could lose any more weight. My brain went bananas and unfortunately I followed it's completely insane train of thought. After a week of emotional eating I had gained almost 8 pounds. Yup...I'm an overachiever even when it comes to gaining weight!!!! BUT...I was able to catch myself and remember why I'm doing this whole thing and what I need to do to be successful!

This past week I have lost about half of what I gained. (Why does it take so much longer to lose than to gain?! This is one of the mysteries of the world!) I am feeling a bit more sane and am keeping my thoughts in check. I am also going to work on being less extreme with myself. I have no problem going all Extreme Weight Loss Chic and losing 5 pounds in a week but then as soon as that week is over I am exhausted and stressed from all of the effort and feel like I've been deprived. I am working on finding a middle ground so that I will loss weight but still feel like I am not killing myself in the process. I am pretty sure that this will also help my extreme food mood swings stay in check!

And now for the hilarious realization...I have a SERIOUS magazine problem! I LOVE them!!!! I just got the latest issue of Backpacker in the mail today and I tore it open as fast as I could to read all of the amazing tales of outdoor adventure and survival. There was also the sweet bonus of Bear Grylls being the featured  guest editor this month with his own photo spread so that didn't hurt ;) As I was wrapping up the last article in the October issue of Backpacker I realized that I haven't even cracked open my September issue of Bon Appetit. I used to live for my Bon Appetit and Saveur magazines! I would bust them open as fast as I could and then read them over and over again! I could even quote stories and exact issues...I was that into it! But here I am, home with a cold, pouring over my Backpacker magazine and completely ignoring the Bon Appetit. Clearly, my life focus has changed!

A Life Changing 19.4 Miles

About 20 years ago I discovered a book called East Bay Trails and fell in love with the idea of doing a 3 day backpacking trip in the Sunol, Ohlone & Del Valle Wilderness areas. At the time I was heavy but I hadn't hit my ceiling weight yet. I went about doing the preliminaries of getting ready to go backpacking...buying a pack (the belt wouldn't close when I bought it because I was too heavy), a cool mess kit, and some other random supplies. This stuff has been moved from garage storage to paid storage to another garage and then into a shed in my backyard. The pack was in storage for so long that the spiders had laid eggs and tried to claim it as their own. About a month ago I thought that I should try out my pack and see if I needed to buy a new one or if my "old" one (which had never been used) would work. I had this huge internal panic going on...thinking that there was no way that the belt was going to fit me. With the belt pulled tight in its storage setting, I put the pack on and snapped the belt closed!!!!! I almost fell over! It fit...AND...it was pulled tight! WAHOO!!!!

With my pack fitting me, I was determined to make my 3 day backpacking trip happen. I got new boots, started getting other supplies (a set of alpine light cooking utensils, sleeping bag, sleeping mat, more socks, a fancy reflective hat, sterilizing pen, and platypus water bags) and made a food list! Invites were sent out and plans were set in place! Last Friday morning we loaded up the cars and drove out to the trail. We dropped a car off in Livermore, where the trail ends, and then drove on back over to Sunol to the start of our adventure!

Here's a little snapshot of what our trip looked like:

Day 1: 3.4 miles, 1500 ft. elevation gain
Day 2: 10.6 miles, 5,000 ft. elevation gain
Day 3: 5.4 miles, 500 ft elevation gain & 3,000 ft elevation loss

The days were long, the trail was a challenge and, I'm not gonna lie, there were times along the way that I wanted to lay down on the trail and cry. The elevation gain was GRUELING on day 2! GRUELING! My toes felt like they had been treated with a baseball bat by the end of the elevation loss (I even got a blister under a toenail...under!) BUT even though it was painful at times...and a bit scary when Joanna had to take a tick off of my neck...this weekend has changed my life! I can not believe how strong my body is! I can not believe how much endurance I have and that I took on a nearly 20 mile challenge with a giant pack on my back (When I got home, minus food & water, my pack weighed 30 pounds! HOLY MOLY! Our packs must have weighed close to 40 pounds when we first headed out!)! I have wanted this for SO long!!!!!! The tears I have now are tears of joy and pride!

An extra bonus from the weekend is that I am now newly in love with California! I've never spent so much time in the oak grasslands of my state and I am SO in love! It is gorgeous land, full of a huge variety of wildlife and plant life!!! It is just beautiful!!!

Things we saw on our adventure:

Animals-

• Red-tailed hawks
• Killdeer
• Northern alligator lizards
• Turkey vultures
• California condor
• Western scrub-jay
• Anna's hummingbird
• California ground squirrel
• Western gray squirrel
• Banana slugs
• Sara orangetip butterflies
• Jerusalem crickets
• California prionus
• Nuttall's woodpecker
• Acorn woodpecker
• Black-tailed deer
• Black legged ticks
• Cows
• Dragonflies

Plants-

• Coyote mint
• California poppies
• Anise swallowtail
• Blue-eyed grass
• California ringlet
• Chamise
• Buckbrush
• Sticky monkeyflower
• California sagebrush
• Coyote brush
• Black oak
• Blue oak
• California bay laurel
• Indian warrior
• Narrow-leaf mule ears
• Yarrow
• Gray pines
• Water lilies
• Blue elderberry
• Various lichen
• Bigleaf maple
• Western sycamore
• California buckeye
• Foxtail grass
• Poison oak

*More pictures can be found on my Facebook page!!!!!

Making Some New Goal Rewards!

It's been a while since I originally set-up my benchmark goals and I realized that I have lost site of my short term goals and am getting overwhelmed with the long term goals! So I am revising some of my goal rewards and am reposting them here so that I see them!!!

• 90 lb.  Reward: Camping with Heidi & Hannah! MET and celebrated!!!!
• 30% = 96.5 lb.  Reward: Hike in Muir Woods with Clarissa & Jordan MET and celebrated!!!
• 100 lb.  Reward: Climb Half Dome/Camp at Yosemite & Dinner Out MET and celebrated!
• 110 lb.  Reward: A day at Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk
• 35% = 112.6 lb.  Reward: Trip to Alcatraz
• 120 lb.  Reward: I Lost Hannah C Party
• 40% = 128.7 lb.  Reward: Visit the parrots on Telegraph Hill
• 130 lb.  Reward: Theatre Tickets
• 140 lb.  Reward: Bicycling trip in the wine country
• GOAL =141.8 lb.  Reward: A Brand New Wardrobe...including a trip to Anthropologie and Urban Outfitters!!!!!!!!